By: Jeremy BerryNothing splits the parenting world like discussing discipline and spanking. A hot topic once, but by this time most have retreated into their corners on where they stand. One side glares across the room and sneers at the spankers, essentially classifying them as child abusers. The other scoffs at who they view to be soft, offended that they seemingly let their kids lead in their house. I know the presumptions are unfair, but they are present whether we like it or not. Not that I want to reignite this debate, but it is a question that I get more often than you think. Rather than glean wisdom and opinions from the world, maybe we should consult scripture.
God is clear that we are to discipline our kids. Pro-spankers (feels strange to type) will quickly raise up their sleeve to show you their fresh new tat of Proverbs 13:24, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” Can you blame them? It is a clear dose of wisdom to discipline kids. Not to mention, the verse even mentions a rod which sounds worse than a good ole fashion hand spank. That’s nothing compared to Psalm 89:30-32 which says, “If his sons forsake my law and do not follow my statutes, if they violate my decrees and fail to keep my commands, I will punish their sin with the rod, their iniquity with flogging.” But how do we reconcile those scriptures with Ephesians 6:4 which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Last time I checked, flogging kids (with or without rods) usually brings out anger in a kid—an anger they usually discuss with their therapist 20 years after. Is there an inconsistency? Some claim that Christ coming changed all of that Old Testament stuff; that Jesus laid down a new law—a law of love. Well, this doesn’t fly either. That argument is simply unbiblical. Jesus says, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.” Well so much for erasing parts of the Old Testament we don’t like.
The passion about discipline is not about hitting or not hitting children—it’s about proper correction. We, as broken people, want to reduce the ways we screw up our little babies. We know that the way we discipline may offer short term correction with long term baggage. Good parents do not want to damage their kids, but good parents also need to discipline.
Before children, I was the biggest spanking advocate. I used to joke that one day, I’d come home and spank them for all the bad stuff I didn’t catch them doing. Though that was a joke, I had no clue how hard it would be to spank my own kid.
I have spanked both of my children and each time I hated it. The last time I spanked was with my son. My heart broke. I questioned my parenting and prayed that I had done the right thing. I heard my son cry and beg for forgiveness. But was it sincere repentance or because he was afraid I would hit him again? When a friend asked me recently, if I spanked my children, I had to think about it long and hard. The answer swirled around in my head. The answer felt more complicated than the question. Rather than a yes or a no, I tried to give a thoughtful response.
Scripture demands that I discipline. The verses that mention it are plenty. Corporal punishment is in scripture. Though how and when this is to take place requires wisdom. I think we can consult scripture and the character of God to bring some clarity. If done unwisely, what you meant for good could be promoting ungodliness.
First, let us recognize that scripture says over and over (just as much as we should discipline) that God is gracious, merciful and slow to anger. Meaning, if we want to represent our God well to our children, and if we want to parent like our Good Father, then we must be these things. This does not negate punishment, but our go-to parental creed should not be swinging with “palms wide open” at our kids. There are other ways to discipline than spanking or threatening to spank. This technique should be used sparingly.
The goal is repentance and correction. Kids do need to understand that sometimes decisions can hurt. I am not opposed to spanking. I am opposed to stupid spanking. Stupid spanking is spanking your children because you had a crappy day or spanking kids for being kids. If you spank, it should be because of rebellion. Unwise behavior doesn’t necessitate spanking. It necessitates teaching. Rebellion on the other hand, may require corporal punishment. In scripture, God is harsh with rebellion, though He is also described as quick to forgive. May we be described in such a way by our children. If we are to be, “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you,” (Eph. 4:32) then how much more should this exist within the home between parent and child?
When God disciplines, He’s patient, He offers a way of repentance, He makes clear the transgression, and He even sends prophets to preach. Now no one is expecting you to go hire a prophet, but you are to be the parental prophet daily. Teach your kids the law, teach your kids the gospel, and teach them wisdom. Be consistent in your ways both in instruction and in discipline. If you have to spank out of rebellion, it should break your heart. Read the minor prophets! They are calling for judgement and repentance. Yet they hate it; they do not want pain for pain’s sake. The pain has a purpose, and it is to return to the Lord.
When I struggled with spanking, I realized something—I should hate it. I shouldn’t enjoy disciplining my kids. Their pain and their sin should grieve me! Discipline should not be taken lightly. The Lord does not take it lightly, and neither should we. I haven’t spanked my kids in over two years and probably have only done it a handful of times (for both). When done, they should see it bother you. They should see your heart break. The kids should see you grieve over having to do this. Show them that it’s not that you are just mad—you love them and your discipline is out of love. It is meant to correct and help, not simply hurt. Discipline may include pain but should always consist of prayer and love.
I remember asking when Claire was but a baby, “When should I discipline my kid?” I was told, “You will know.” The advice was right. I knew my kid enough to know when rebellion was real. No one should be spanking children who cannot comprehend why that is happening. Whether or not they fully understand is hard to determine. Besides that, repentance at that age is not fully feasible. Before raising a hand, we should ask ourselves, “Can my kid comprehend what is happening? Can they make the connection between rebellion and repentance?” If not, you probably should choose a different means of discipline.
Look, discipline is tricky, and we all fail at it. At times we are too severe. Other times, we are neglectful. As parents, we need to be praying for wisdom and discernment. We need to remember that spanking is not to show who’s boss. It is not meant to make a kid a punching bag. We need to be wise in corporal punishment and desperately attempt to mimic a loving parent who is desperately fighting for our kids’ good. If you read this and you have come to the conclusion that you have failed in this area, first repent to your children and ultimately to your God. Secondly, remember this: your failures are not too big for God. Luckily for your children and mine, our God is bigger than my parental mishaps. Tomorrow is a new day; wake up seeking to be a good ambassador to our children for God’s glory and our good!