By: Will BashamThere’s a handful of people close to me in my life that see a side of me that I have to work hard to keep in check, namely the dear saints that have to live with me and the ones that have to work with me. That character flaw is my controlling nature. I don’t do it intentionally, but I find myself leaning a little too much into others’ jobs and roles. “Will, we’ve got this. You can stay in your lane.” Y’all pray for my family and co-workers. I’m working on it, I really am.
Control can be a toxic relational quality, leading people into the deepest ends of relational dysfunction. The reality is that I’m not in control of other people’s lives and I cannot control the decisions they make or the paths they walk. Now, there are areas where I am called to influence in a godly way, particularly within the lives of the family God has blessed me to lead. But ultimately, each of us will answer to God individually about the paths we’ve chosen and decisions we’ve made for ourselves.
But the Bible speaks of one area in life where control is very good; a realm where it is neither toxic nor dangerous. I’m speaking, of course, about self-control. The last fruit of the spirit listed in Galatians 5:22-23 is perhaps the one that’s hardest to recognize when you’re practicing it. When you live self-controlled, you don’t really notice it. It feels like a passive “fruit.” But we sure do notice when it’s not present. When we are not self-controlled, not only do we clearly see it, but everyone around us notices too.
How can I best love and serve the people around me? The answer is certainly not by doing their jobs for them or being overbearing on what I feel I may need from them. I love and serve them best by carrying out my duties diligently, having myself under control and discipline.
Why does God want us to be self-controlled? It keeps us from acting impulsively. In his letter to the Romans, Paul writes at length about the desires of the spirit and contrasts them with the desires of the flesh saying, “…we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate,” (Rom. 7:14–15). How often do we find ourselves in this predicament? We rarely notice in the moments we lack self-control that we’re acting on impulse and doing the very things we hate. But afterward, sensible reasoning sets in and we realize that we lost control and we echo the sentiment of Paul: “I do not understand my own actions.”
This loss of self-control can manifest itself in a variety of ways in our lives. Some of them are relatively harmless and others are very serious. One that I see in my practical work life is my desire to be social overtaking my need to work on various projects. As I’m sitting at my desk writing this blog post, I have shut my office door—an action taken to force myself to focus and meet a deadline. Without some intentional action, I would be tempted (by impulse) to wander the hallways of the office, make small talk with my co-workers (and probably distract them from what they’re trying to do), or look out the window and watch traffic. My natural state simply often lacks the discipline needed to remain focused on what needs done.
The scary thing is when this seemingly harmless lack of self-control grows into more serious areas of our lives. Do you find yourself drinking too much and waking up the next morning wondering why you did that (again)? Maybe you find yourself wasting money foolishly on shopping or gambling. Perhaps you’ve lost control of your health and your diet lacks any self-control as you harm yourself by pursuing culinary pleasure. Or maybe your appetite for sexual pleasure has lured you into use of pornography or engagement in an ungodly sexual relationship. The root cause of all these serious shortages of self-control is feeding the appetite of pleasure or comfort. It is very easy to give in and it requires hard work to resist temptation.
The biblical word for self-control in Greek really just means discipline. I recently went to see my doctor for a routine check-up and he challenged me to lose some weight. “Doc, I’m a big guy and I have a big appetite. What do you want me to do?” I asked. He replied, “I’m not telling you to starve yourself. You just need to make small changes with better food choices.” That advice from my doctor has some good biblical truth. The next time I’m hungry, it’s ineffective to just try not to be hungry. It’s most helpful to feed that hunger with good food rather than bad. We often view our areas of sin as things that simply need cut out of our lives (and they do). But what we forget is that there is a pure appetite that God has given us that we can feed with righteousness instead of sin. Instead of finding relational fulfillment through sex, we find it through quality time, godly romance, and even friendship. Isolating that need and ignoring that appetite will only lead us to starvation and a return to our sinful impulses. In other areas, we exercise discipline for moderation (in food, or drink, or spending) to make sure that we aren’t gluttons, addicts, or bad stewards. Discipline and self-control are difficult things to master, but they live within one good decision at a time.
And here’s the best news of all—if you’re like me and you see areas in your life where the impulses of your flesh just feel too strong to resist, God has placed within you the Holy Spirit to strengthen you. God knows that all of us are too weak to control ourselves. That’s why self-control is not a mere virtue to aspire to; it’s a fruit of the Spirit that is gifted to us. It’s already yours! The reality is that we would have no godly self-control were it not for the Holy Spirit dwelling within us. So the next time you feel that sinful impulse start to rumble like a growl in a hungry belly, pray to the Holy Spirit and ask him to work in you what you could never work in yourself. Feed that hunger not with your sinful desire, but with God’s good gifts.